Monday, November 21, 2011

Creepy Clown Doll

Remember the creepy clown doll that my misleading weight won me?

I finally donated it last week. It went out with a large Goodwill donation.

I thought I'd be sad. And I have moments when I wonder if I'll one day want to show it to my girls as tangible proof of my damage. My shortcomings. My love/hate relationship with myself.

I know that I come across as a confident person. But, I have not always been so. And there are days that my inner-child takes the wheel and leaves me worrying about the things I've said or done. Have I scarred someone today? Did I leave someone out? Was what I said communicated in the nicest, sweetest, sugary-coated way possible? Will they talk about me later? Grow to hate me? Will blogs be started about me and my transgressions?


I have moments of paranoia. And maybe that is normal. But I don't like that it keeps me up at night. That I lose sleep over my insecurities.

I stare at my husband's peaceful sleeping face. I try to match my breathing to his. Innnnnnn out. Innnnnnn out.

How does he sleep so soundly? How does he fall asleep so quickly? How is his conscience so light? Am I flawed? Or is he?

Today I have a migraine. I get them - often. It is not related to HCG (for my worried readers). But. When not on HCG, I get through my migraines eating junk. Pastries. Fried foods. Pizza. Pizza. Pizza. The carbs give me energy, calm my queasy stomach, and give me a distraction from the past that comes bubbling up when the wall I've created is made weaker by the pain my body is enduring.

Now, on VLCD3, I do not have that crutch. I have to learn to deal with this problem without food. And ya know what? I'm looking forward to the challenge.

I am part of an online group that focuses on the purest form of HCG dieting. I have been reading their posts about HCG changing their relationship with food. I didn't believe them.

I thought - surely they must be tricking themselves into thinking that they no longer need a food crutch. How can one overcome a lifetime of food as a bandage? As a disgusting but warm blanket? As a way of forgetting the things that are weighing heavy on your mind?

I'm beginning to understand. I think it is possible. Maybe not for everyone. But for me - after months of therapy - I think I can do this.