I am blown-away by the love and support that has poured into my world through Facebook, text message, email, and voicemail. I'd like to clear a few things up - but first wanted to thank you all for responding to my pain in such a loving way. I have stared (teary-eyed) at many of your responses for what seems like a very long time and just don't have the right words to say how much your strength and tales of similar life-experiences and feelings have given me a bright spot to focus on.
Thank you - your words mean more than I can convey.
To clarify:
-I am not suicidal-
There was a time, a teeny tiny flicker in my somewhat lengthy existence, where the thought of taking my own life was ever-so-slightly appealing. But I was able to look beyond the pain that lead me down that dangerous road and I am ever grateful for those in my life who unwittingly kept me alive. That time is not now, so I apologize for those I worried. Suicide is such a final decision and I'm glad my circumstances allowed me to work past those thoughts at that time. I never shared with anyone (aside from my then-mental health professional and later, my husband) how I was feeling because I don't think I ever really intended to follow-through.
**Please - if you are feeling suicidal - seek help. Don't go down that road without a hand to hold.**
-I am feeling much better now-
Blogging is therapeutic - and this blog has given me a freedom I haven't felt in other blogs. I am brutally honest with what is going on in my head. I do not pussyfoot around an issue for fear someone might blame themselves for my own imperfections.
-I am imperfect, and that is okay-
Part of this weight-loss journey has been learning to tackle the monster I spoke of and hold her in a submission hug until she is willing to listen to reason. My inner child is not quite strong enough to conquer this task on her own, so I've had to call in re-enforcements. My family and friends, my therapist, and even the strangers I blog to are lending my inner child the weight she needs to hold the out-of-control monster down while we force-feed her some perspective and love.
-If you can relate to this post (and many of my responders have shared that they can), please give your inner child a hug and try to find forgiveness for those that have wronged you-
I will never feel loving feelings toward the boyfriend and I doubt that my childhood bullies could even pick me out of a lineup. But the burden of carrying that hatred around with me has amounted to 40-60 pounds of excess weight. Not the hatred alone, of course, but it was a significant contributor.
-If I can't love my inner child, how am I ever going to love my grown self?-
I am, after all, the end result of a combination of experiences. I would not be the compassionate, empathetic, accepting person that I am had I not been treated with the opposite during my formative years. Embracing little Me leads directly to the acceptance of big Me.
Who is ready to do this with me? Find their inner child (maybe yours is huddling in a dark damp corner, or maybe yours is more like mine - twirling around in a wonderland of edible merry-go-rounds and marshmallow pillows pretending the world is what she wants it to be) and tell them that YOU love them. And that it doesn't matter who else does or does not. Because your love is the strongest and you are big enough to protect them from their bullies and demons.
Here is to many more infections by smile. Go on - hug that inner child of yours.
