Thursday, December 8, 2011


Why do I eat?

This is a question that I have been bouncing off the empty walls in my head for 6 months with no immediate answer. I know what triggers me to eat... but why are these triggers so damned powerful?

- Social settings -
I don't like feeling like I'm different than others. If the husband can eat a bucket of popcorn with no repercussions - why can't I?

- Being alone -
The thoughts in my head roar when it is silent. Eating food seems to dampen the noise.

- The husband coming in the door -
I have marveled over the phenomenon of my best friend walking through the door, and my response. To eat like I'm never going to see food again. I'm sure if we caught it on camera, you would be sickened by how quickly I can consume so many calories. But I can. And I do. The other triggers... I've kind of puzzled them out. They're not logical, but I understand them. This one? Leaves me stumped.

Take today - for instance - I had been fine all day long. Not hungry, eating what I'm supposed to (I made chicken soup!! Whoa.) even giving the girls sugar cookie pop tarts without any desire to snatch it out of their cute little hands. The sugar cookie pop tarts, in all their glory, call my name quietly. But I quickly shut them in the cabinet and the silence is immediate. Until. Until the husband walked in the door. And the very first thing I did? Run to the cabinet, open the shiny packet of awesome, and proceed to shove first one...then two cartoon-covered "pastries" in my mouth. And then turkey pepperoni. Followed by chips and cheese and salsa. Then a bowl of rice Chex. And a second bowl of cereal, this time opting for fruity Cheerios (have you tried those?? They're amazing!)

Finally... finally... I stopped. And left the room. And reviewed my 10 minute binge. And then my dear friend called and told me how much she enjoyed my blog. So - here I am, with the horror fresh in my mind. And... I'm baffled.

People! I was NOT hungry when I played the part of garbage disposal. Food wasn't required for my body. There were no signals. So...why?

And how does one overcome this free-for-all?

I know I've got some serious issues with food. I think I might not be alone. Speaking about it frankly has made it easier for me to be in touch with it. I don't find myself cramming food in my mouth in the middle of the night while all the witnesses are sleeping anymore. I am in therapy - and this has helped tremendously. But I just want an answer NOW. Will I ever recover? Return to the carefree child I once was? Or do I have a lifetime of random and frightening face-shoveling episodes ahead of me?